How Crazy Do You Want to Act to ‘Win’ at Nuclear Poker

Playing poker with another party who holds the keys to nuclear weapons (literal, metaphorical, or figurative), and has given indications based on experience that they will be willing to deploy them, is a dangerous game.

The stakes are high, but not for the obvious reasons of total physical, emotional, spiritual, or psychological annihilation.

The stakes are high for three reasons:

No one really knows another party’s motivations, needs, or interests. Unless we ask. And far too often our inherent selfishness in pursuing outcomes that benefit us exclusively, blinds us to the simple need to do some discovery about the other party.

Sometimes, only one person has cared enough to explore another party’s motivations, needs, or interests.

But then they use this knowledge cynically, to manipulate and exploit other parties who are more ignorant—and more selfish.

The far rarer case is that the party who has the knowledge and cares, shares; unselfishly, openly, and with the purpose of avoiding—or minimizing—disastrous outcomes.

Egos, self-interest, and selfishness tend to override rationality and logic in even the most innocuous negotiations. When potential destruction is the thing on offer, all bets are off.

The fact is, people at the individual level are irrational and emotional and in moments of high stress, tend to make short-cut choices that relieve tension in the amygdala, but create further problems down the road.

If the other party isn’t talking to a rational actor (such as it is) on the other side of the negotiation table, or leads with principles rather than interests, the changes of an undesirable outcome increase tremendously.

The appearance of being willing to do what the other party is either to scared, to demoralized, or to invested in alternative outcomes (their own BATNAs and WATNAs, for instance) to do, is sometimes enough to “win” the high stakes game of poker played with nuclear weapons (literal, metaphorical, or figurative).

Unfortunately, this sets a precedent in the mind and approach of the “losing” party around the potential for blackmail, coercion, or something even worse—subservience and the appearance of weakness.

The person who is willing to walk into a nuclear negotiation and deal fairly, transparently, and unselfishly with each party in the conflict is the one who wins the day today and tomorrow.

And not just a moral victory either.

Anxiety, Worry and Hurry

Worry about things you can’t control and outcomes that are dependent upon other people responding (or reacting) is at the heart of anxiety.

Our modern struggle with anxiety comes from three areas: Our desire for immediacy of outcome (or resolution); Our lack of internal resilience; Our impatience with process as a method of accomplishing goals.

We narcotize our worry, or anxiety, with food, alcohol, drugs, violence (self-directed and other-directed) and even lately video games, social media, and coloring books.

The thing is, sitting with worry, and then learning to have faith and let that worry go, is the only way to find the peace that we are craving.

The process of getting from worry to letting go of worry can be mediated and adjudicated by meditation, prayer, and journaling (we forget past victories over worry unless they are recorded…memory is a slippery thing) but when we combine the desire for immediacy, control, and impatience, then hurry sneaks in.

And we are too busy to remember past victories. Too busy to engage in a letting go process. Too busy to do anything but worry.

The ways out of this are easy, but they require self-knowledge, self-direction, and self-regulation to work.

Not more distractions.

HIT Piece 12.20.2016

When thinking about conflict, the lock-in effect controls our reactions and responses.

We become accustomed to the reactions and responses that we have integrated into our lives on a regular basis. And the people to whom we are responding become locked-in to their responses and reactions to us as well.

Lock-in comes about when the benefits from a decision accrue at scale and the downsides are irrelevant.

Lock-in can be intentional (trying to use the other party’s known conflict responses and reactions to leverage them into or out of a decision), or it can be unintentional (“I don’t understand why he/she keeps reacting this way.”)

Some people are immune to the effects of lock-in, but many more people are controlled by the power of lock-in so much so, that they don’t even realize that it’s happening at the time.

Once a person’s conflict behavior and conflict choices are revealed to them, lock-in can become a powerful deterrent to future poor choices.

But only if we are aware of its presence.

[Opinion] When Do You Pay The Piper?

The person who pays the piper calls the tune. Except when payment doesn’t come, then the piper takes revenge.

The legend of the Pied Piper of Hamelin is about a politician reneging on a promise to pay a vendor who rendered a service. In essence, the politician broke a verbal contract and then forgot about it. The vendor returns to the town sometime later and takes his payment (in the form of luring the town’s children away).

The legend is so deep and enduring, it has become almost a myth, its lessons enshrined in our language and even our proverbs.

When we call the tune of responses and behaviors in our conflicts, the questions for us are the same ones there have always been:

When do we pay the piper?

and

How much will the payment cost?

We only ask (or think) about these two critical questions when the cost of doing nothing to resolve the conflict in a way that benefits both parties, seems to be the only way for us to risk nothing and gain everything. Then, when the answers to these two critical questions don’t work in our favor, our behavior in a conflict situation begins to resemble that of the politician in the town of Hamelin long ago: We attempt to avoid paying the piper.

Going back on promises, risk avoidance, ignoring the impact of emotional residue, finding reasons to not put in the work to get to a resolution, and withholding reconciliation (or even forgiveness) are all ways we attempt to avoid paying the piper of conflict.

And eventually, if we keep it up long enough, the things of emotional value—relationships, trust, respect, accountability—begin to leave our own internal emotional towns.

Be sure the tune you’re calling in your conflict is a price that you are willing to pay to the piper.

[Opinion] The Psychology of WellBeing

Conflict in the workplace doesn’t have to reduce overall career wellbeing.

But we think that it does for three reasons:

We think that work (and by extension careers) should be utilitarian pursuits, focused on drudgery, repetition and boredom. Which is an attitude remaining in the Western Culture from our agriculture and industrial past.
We don’t really believe that work (and by extensions careers) can change. We have thoroughly accepted the idea (pushed by industrialists, politicians, and the media) that “that’s just the way that it is.” And we are so trammeled in our cages of fear of being fired, that we will do anything not to make changes that will affect our wellbeing positively.
We frame material promotions and financial advancements, in the workplace as metrics of approval and signs that we are accomplishing good work. Partly this is because of the way that we think work should be. It is also partly because the value of work relationships cannot yet be monetized.

So, we believe these three things about work at varying levels in varying positions in the organizational hierarchies we find ourselves, and then we are surprised, disappointed and frustrated when difficulties, confrontations and conflicts arise.

What’s the way out?

We have to let go and stop thinking of ourselves as hostages to the workplace.

We have to do the dance with fear, increasing the tension between difficulty, confrontation and conflict, in order to accomplish material changes that will bring about the career wellbeing we crave—and that will change the cultures of the organizations we currently inhabit.

-Peace Be With You All-

Jesan Sorrells, MA
Principal Conflict Engagement Consultant
Human Services Consulting and Training (HSCT)
Email HSCT: jsorrells@hsconsultingandtraining.com
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/HSConsultingandTraining
Twitter: https://www.twitter.com/Sorrells79
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/jesansorrells/

[Strategy] The Last Crusade

Stress comes from managing two areas unsuccessfully: yourself and others.

Many uninitiated people have the most trouble managing themselves, but lack the self-awareness to realize that the stress they have comes about due to a lack of awareness about why their stress is activated.

Many uninitiated people think that managing other people is the Holy Grail of stress management; but really, the people that chase those dragons are the same ones that lack self-awareness in the first place.

Other people give you stress if you let them. But only you are responsible for your own emotional responses.

Getting self-aware about what drives you, what motivates your reactions to external stimuli, and why you respond to people and situations the way that you do, is the real Holy Grail of stress management.

Of course, choosing to manage the wrong area is just as bad as picking the wrong cup if you are Indiana Jones…

-Peace Be With You All-

Jesan Sorrells, MA
Principal Conflict Engagement Consultant
Human Services Consulting and Training (HSCT)
Email HSCT: jsorrells@hsconsultingandtraining.com
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/HSConsultingandTraining
Twitter: www.twitter.com/Sorrells79
LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/jesansorrells/

[Advice] The Most Perfect Gift

What is the most perfect gift that you can give?

During the holiday season, particularly around Christmas, the societal stress level in the West, increases as people pursue purchasing the “perfect gift.” The inherent, human tendency to have “stuff,” pushed by marketers, advertisers and other consumers, is hyped through Black Friday sales and “deep discounts.”

Also, fear is pushed that a holiday celebration will be “ruined” without the attainment and giving of that “perfect gift” to that person in your life.

If we stop however, and remember that the point of Thanksgiving is to be reflective, and that the point of Christmas is to focus on redemption, then the hard part is not slogging through the mall, stressing over an online purchase or crowding into a retail space at the “last minute.”

The real hard work between Thanksgiving and the New Year is focusing on the active act of engaging in reconciliation and forgiveness with those whom we have harmed, and who have harmed us during the past year.

Financial outlay then falls to the bottom of the list and the true cost—in time, energy, emotional effort and spiritual development—stands revealed.

-Peace Be With You All-

Guest Blogger Joshua Munchow: Oh to be a Maker, Pt. II

“Who makes the world? Perhaps the world is not made. Perhaps nothing is made. Perhaps it simply is, has been, will always be there…a clock without a craftsman.”–Dr. Manhattan

In part one of our two part series, guest blogger Josh Munchow introduced ideas of struggle with the world, struggle with clients and their desires, and the limitations that applied design operates under in order to satisfy needs.

In part two, Josh goes deeper and explores some conclusions for us a consumers of his and the good folks at Formation Design’s, talents and skills.

Please take the time to read Josh’s words and perspective and follow him on Twitter @JoshuaMunchow.

By the way, we here at HSCT want to emphasize that Joshua’s words and perspective here in in part 2, reflect the views, policies or approach of Formation Design Group, Inc.

They are his own and we appreciate them.

Please take the time to contact Formation Design Group, Inc. for all your product development needs.

Formation Design Group

555 Dutch Valley Road

Atlanta GA 30324 U.S.A.

T 404.885.1301

F 404.885.1302

Web: Formationdesign.com/

Twitter: @FormationDG

LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/company/formation-design-group-inc.

Core77: www.designdirectory.com/FormationDesignGroup

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The partners at Formation Design Group, where I work, are great at managing client expectations while giving it to them straight.

I realize that this, in my opinion, is the best way to solve any and all conflicts; speaking with pure and non-judgmental honesty.

Different people have different styles of discussing problems and searching for solutions. There are many people who have grown up in communities (like central Minnesota where I was raised) that utilize passive aggressive tendencies to deal with problems.

While this does ease the outward stress of a conflict, no one ever really knows what the other is thinking and it keeps people guarded and communication suffers. If people, including anybody reading this, can approach a conflict, miscommunication, or faulty expectation with honesty and humility, real progress can be made.

This is a learned response that I have been developing over time, approaching a problem with ONLY a vested interest in finding a solution and NO interest in simply being right. It just happens to be very tough when you made/designed/invented the solution that nobody likes.

The main reason that conflicts arise in the creative field is that egos are poked, qualifications are always being challenged, and money is at stake for a range of yet intangible things. The less vital an object or idea is to basic human life, the more opinions can tear apart an entire project. This is where my true passion enters this equation. I have every intention of pursuing my goal of specializing and plan on training to become a watchmaker.

By watchmaker, I mean that I will make mechanical watches from scratch, by hand, one at a time. So thinking about it, that industry (I have to admit) might have the toughest job when it comes to conflict simply because the need for the products just isn’t there. A luxury product that has been replaced by inexpensive technology must create a large amount of differing opinions all the way up to the top. To be a successful company in that industry, they must have learned to get everyone from the designers, engineers, managers, and marketing to agree to a common goal simply to sustain existence.

So I leave you with this; No matter what industry you work in, or whatever the reason for your conflict, you must remember that having to be right almost never settles a dispute and honesty will always get to the critical facts faster than sidestepping, defensive, passive aggressive behavior. I won’t claim to be an expert on the facts of conflict resolution, I am maker if you remember, and I will leave that to professionals.

I simply know what has worked for me and others in my profession and maybe it can work for others. It’s not too complicated, but also it’s not easy. Many people struggling with conflict resolution should meditate on this: If everything you ever did was wrong, then the opposite would have to be right. Don’t be afraid to be wrong, be overruled, or outvoted. Take satisfaction on finding a good solution, everything else is just gravy.

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-Peace Be With You All-

Jesan Sorrells, MA

Principal Mediator/Consultant

Human Services Consulting and Training (HSCT)

Follow the Human-Services-Consulting-and-Trainingpage on Facebook

Follow our Principle Consultant, Jesan Sorrells, on Twitter: www.twitter.com/Sorrells79

Connect with HSCT on LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/jesansorrells/

Email HSCT questions or comments at: hsconsultingandtraining@gmail.com

Check out HSCT’s NEW website: http://hsconsultingandtrain.wix.com/hsct

Guest Blogger Joshua Munchow: Oh, to be a Maker, Part I

“The release of atom power has changed everything except our way of thinking. The solution to this problem lies in the heart of mankind. If only I had known, I would have become a watchmaker.” – Albert Einstein

The Human Services Consulting and Training (HSCT) guest blogger for this week, Joshua Munchow, is a professional model maker who has worked on a variety of fabulous projects for many years.

He is employed as the Technical Development Lead for Formation Design Group Inc. in Atlanta, Georgia.

They are a product development firm focusing on new product innovation and have won numerous design awards and patents for their innovative design solutions.

Josh is a trusted friend of Human Services Consulting and Training (HSCT) and his writing and perspective will be featured in this space this week as well as next week. Conflicts exist everywhere, even in the field of applied design and the fine arts, and Josh has a unique perspective based in international travel, a rapacious curiosity and a continuing desire to be the best.

Plus, he’s the only person that we’ve met in our travels around the country who is a passionate watchmaker.

Please take the time to read Josh’s words and perspective and follow him on Twitter @JoshuaMunchow. By the way, we here at HSCT want to emphasize that Joshua’s words and perspective either here in part 1 or next week in part 2, reflect the views, policies or approach of Formation Design Group, Inc. They are his own and we appreciate them.

Please take the time to contact Formation Design Group, Inc. for all your product development needs.

Formation Design Group

555 Dutch Valley Road

Atlanta GA 30324 U.S.A.

T 404.885.1301

F 404.885.1302

Web: Formationdesign.com/

Twitter: @FormationDG

LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/company/formation-design-group-inc.

Core77: www.designdirectory.com/FormationDesignGroup

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I am a maker.

I am a creator of objects, a fabricator of ideas, and solution seeker.

When I say I am a maker, I don’t mean it in the current pop-culture sense.

I do not consider myself to be a part of the maker movement ideology.

I do not make things in my spare time, and it is not a hobby.

I graduated from college with a degree in modelmaking (read: learned to make anything you have to) and am currently working for a design and engineering consultancy as the shop manager and lead prototype developer. I make things for a living.

Making things in whatever regard sets you apart from a majority of other people simply because you look at problems differently. This is why when it comes to finances a CPA would view a problem with the deductions for a coffee shop much differently than me as it is their area of specialty.

For me, my entire life has been and will continue to be about making things and everything that goes with that. This inevitably leads to a problem.

When a majority of your skills are in an arena that many people don’t relate to, or as the designers I work with have to contend with, skills that seem superficially easy to a client wanting to make or save money, communication problems can arise.

With communication issues comes conflict for the entire creative process. We (the makers) need to earn a living and someone needs to have something made. Anyone who has ever been hired, contracted, commissioned, or lobbied to create something for another knows that the greatest struggle is trying to communicate the reality of how things work, what is possible and more often, how much things actually cost.

In my line of work, I utilize CNC machining, CAD/CAM drafting, and an array of other tools that make my job seem very cutting edge to those on the outside. But what many fail to realize is the extensive time and manpower that will inevitably be called upon in the development process.

Clients in this field have a tendency to want twice the work for half the price because they believe we can simply program the machine to do it. In the big picture, that can be an accurate generalization for some aspects of developing prototypes, but it falls short of a thorough understanding of what it can take to create something from an idea. CAD data needs to be created from quick sketches, parts need to be designed, programmed, fabricated, tested, revised, remade, and finally finished in a way that the idea can be communicated without any loss of clarity.

Most inspiring, however, the general knowledge of how things are made and the techniques used today are growing every day, but that growth can develop a misunderstanding. I blame this on short articles that appear in dozens of general interest magazines. For example, try picking up an issue of Popular Mechanics/Science without reading about 3D printers.

The general public and even those in the industry tend to read articles (aimed at an almost completely uninformed population) and derive the idea that making, designing, or manufacturing things is pretty easy now. And cheap. This leads to the biggest challenge with communication and conflict between clients and agencies: Describe the real world without sounding condescending to someone who might lack your depth of knowledge but is willing to pay you.

Then try doing that while also trying to convince them that your way of doing things is probably better too. There are many talented people who completely understand their business but might have never needed to know how their part would be injection molded and how much it should cost. This then becomes a truly difficult task and one that I have had to recently begin dealing with more as I become more involved with the entire development process.

Next week: Part II

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-Peace Be With You All-

Jesan Sorrells, MA

Principal Mediator/Consultant

Human Services Consulting and Training (HSCT)

Follow the Human-Services-Consulting-and-Trainingpage on Facebook

Follow our Principle Consultant, Jesan Sorrells, on Twitter: www.twitter.com/Sorrells79

Connect with HSCT on LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/jesansorrells/

Email HSCT questions or comments at: hsconsultingandtraining@gmail.com

Check out HSCT’s NEW website: http://hsconsultingandtrain.wix.com/hsct