Monthly Archives: May 2015

[ICYMI] Acting “As If”

When we first started in the working world—and by extension in the adult world—one of the salient pieces of advice we were repeatedly given by other working people was, “fake it until you make it.”

Now, in most contexts of the workplace, where things happen—projects, ideas, tasks, etc.—underneath the force of organizational inertia, this is perhaps wise advice.

But in the conflict entrepreneurship game, “Fake it until you make it” is terrible advice. So too is the advice to “act as if.”

If the conflict engagement consultant fakes knowing the answer, fakes being empathetic, or under delivers the goods as promised, the client will know immediately.

By the way, bait and switch doesn’t work either, because showing up as one thing, when you’ve advertised another, is a sure way to guarantee never being called again.

Here’s some better advice for the conflict engagement consultant: Being confident in yourself, your approach and your process, comes when you embrace the fear of not being confident. Embrace cannot become paralysis, and self-fulfilling prophecies are like a dose of nerve gas against the conflict consultant.

Walk through the fear, is much better advice.

It’s the only way for the conflict consultant, and her client, to walk out whole on the other side.

Originally published on  January 29, 2015.

Download the FREE E-Book, The Savvy Peace Builder by heading to http://www.hsconsultingandtraining.com/e-book-the-savvy-peace-builder/ today!

[ICYMI] Adventure Not Obligation

It’s tough to be generous when paying the bill for groceries every month is a struggle.
This is one of the fist pieces of feedback that we receive here at Human Services Consulting and Training (HSCT) when we blog about trust and “giving it away to get rich later” in an abundance economy, as we did here, hereand here.
Generosity in an abundance economy is rewarded when every piece of content—words, pictures, videos, comments, etc.—are shared, “liked,” posted and re-posted on the internet via social media.
Being generous with what you have is not limited to the disruptive, conflict-ridden development of the connection economy through which we are all living now.
One of the key principles of Christianity and the Bible is the idea that believers in Christ are called to be generous: with their time, their money, their talent, their resources and their lives.
And this philosophy is based in the idea that God rewards a generous person mightily. This extends both to the rich man (who is generous out of an abundance of material wealth (see Luke 10:29-37) and the poor man (who is generous out of an abundance of love (see Luke 7:36-50).
This is where the work of charities, missionaries and people such as Mother Teresa comes about. This is also where 16th, 17th and 18thcentury European colonialism had part of its roots.
Now, in a world where generosity is seen as something done out of abundance for someone else, being generous (as opposed to being greedy and promoting scarcity) has long been seen as a “sucker’s game” because anyone could (and would, and did, and still do)take advantage of such generosity while giving nothing back in return.
However, with the internet and social media (and wearables and disruptive tech start-ups and on and on) upending the economy of scarcity that we have all lived in for the last 100 or so years, the New Normal will increasingly be the old school “sucker’s game.”
In the connection economy, it doesn’t take a religiously observant believer to understand that the more content is given away for free, the more generosity becomes an adventure, not an obligation: Which of course, requires us to rethink the values that we have around ownership, access and privacy, long held values that no longer work in a world of shareable movies, downloadable Mp3’s and Facebook posts.
So, if everyone is sharing, posting, reposting, creating and giving generously, who’s getting “rich” and who’s getting left behind?
Originally published on December 2, 2013.Download the FREE E-Book, The Savvy Peace Builder by heading to http://www.hsconsultingandtraining.com/e-book-the-savvy-peace-builder/ today!

[ICYMI] On Persistence

“Courage is the discovery that you may not win, and trying when you know you can lose.” -Tom Krause

Monday, we asked a series of questions, borne out of experiences, conversations and observations that we have made as we have been building a business here in the Southern Tier of New York State.
We went from asking “why do we quit?” to “why do we continue?” With that in mind, let us take some time to talk about the opposite of quitting: persistence.
The dictionary defines persistence three ways:
  •  quality of persisting: the quality of continuing steadily despite problems or difficulties
  •  act of persisting: the action of somebody who persists with something
  •  long continuance of something: continuance of an effect after its cause has ceased or been removed.
Clearly there are some elements in these definitions that apply to building a business, building a marriage or building a diet program. But why?
Do we want to prove something to other people?
Do we want to prove something to ourselves?
When we continue steadily despite problems or difficulties, we may look on it as persistence not during the process of persisting, but after the fact of a positive outcome.
After the outcome is secured, and after the battle is won, in hindsight, not foresight, persistence is lauded from the tops of the mountains to the bottoms of the valleys.
When individuals continue steadily in spite of problems or difficulties, and the outcome is the opposite of the one that they intended or stated, others may deride their actions as failures, them personally as incompetents, or as individuals lacking in the foresight to “get out while the getting was good.”
Persistence, in these cases, becomes a virtue only after it is vilified by others as a vice.
  • Abraham Lincoln was only seen as persistent in a positive way after the Civil War was won and the South defeated.
  • Business owners are only seen as persistent in a positive way after they make a substantial profit or build a culture or brand that lasts.
  • Artists, writers, poets and creatives are lauded for their persistence (in this case continuance of an effect after its cause has ceased or been removed) after their efforts have been “recognized” when they are long dead.
The rarities who persist in efforts we would have long since quit at, become the Martin Luther Kings, the Jay Z’s, the Pablo Picassos, the Lady Gagas and the James Deans of the world.
So why should anyone persist in anything at all?
If individual, worthwhile efforts will not be sufficiently recognized, compensated or lauded while alive (or if the actions “fail” according to others’ estimation)…AND…If the applause for such actions deemed “foolish” by others, is only personal, and rarely public, what makes individuals, groups, organizations and even cultures, insist that persisting is the only way to accomplishment?
Could it have something to do with grit?
Originally published on July 24, 2013.Download the FREE E-Book, The Savvy Peace Builder by heading to http://www.hsconsultingandtraining.com/e-book-the-savvy-peace-builder/ today!

[ICYMI] Curating Vulnerability

We tell ourselves compelling stories, where the drivers of the conflicts that move the narrative along, are not us, but others.

We do this for two reasons:

  • We want more credit for successes and less blame for failures.
  • We get uncomfortable with tension and discomfort.

In an era of curated reality, the biggest tension is between the realities we choose to show our audiences, versus the realities we know exist inside of us.

Social media provides somewhat of an outlet for us to resolve this tension. However, too many people keep telling the same faulty story, where we are the stars and everyone else is a goat.

In reality though, we are just perpetuating the tension and creating more unreality.

But, what is “real?” Is the “real” person the one that lives inside of us, or is the “real” person the one we display to the world via our endlessly streaming social feeds?

Acquiring authenticity requires us to be vulnerable in ways that we cannot, because we have never learned to be vulnerable within ourselves, too ourselves, and by ourselves.

The leading of double lives are destroying and reshaping the social contract, and the results of that destruction are ongoing and endless intrapersonal conflict, as well as depression, anger, resentment, impatience, and narcissism and so on, and so on, and so on.

Originally published on December 15, 2014.

Download the FREE E-Book, The Savvy Peace Builder by heading to http://www.hsconsultingandtraining.com/e-book-the-savvy-peace-builder/ today!

[ICYMI] Bullying

There are all kinds of personalities operating in the world today.

There are the “weird” outliers who enjoy collecting odd, unusual items off of Ebay.
There are the “bosses” and the “employees.”
There are even the “nice” “normal” people who turn on their television and fall asleep in front of the Tonight Show and reality TV after putting in a hard day at work.
Then there are the people who are never talked about or mentioned.
These people are the ones who don’t get along well with other folks.
These are the people who don’t have multi-million dollar executive bonuses that serve to hide their evil ways.
These are the people who spam your inbox and send you unwanted junk mail through what’s left of the mail system.
We used to call these people “flim-flam” men (although they were also sometimes women) and matchstick men (from which the film takes its name).
There is also a more common name for them, which everyone uses now, particularly in the workplace and in the school system:
Bullies.
We all know the conventional wisdom about bullies:
Bullies are dangerous.
Bullies are angry.
Bullies are socially inept.
Bullies are misunderstood.
Bullies are just victims of other bullies.
Bullies are people who have to be taught that “that kind of behavior” is “unacceptable.”
Except…except…
Bullies have to pay the rent.
Bullies are going to continue to have children.
Bullies are going to drive cars and go to nice restaurants.Bullies vote in elections.
So the question becomes, in a world where the outlier is ever more trumpeted and celebrated and the weird is the new “normal,” how do we as a society give bullies jobs?
How do we co-opt and enfranchise bullies?
Not bullying behavior, that’s enough of a problem in and of itself, but how do we get a bully a job that will allow them to progressively be transformed into someone that is compliant, complacent and cooperative?
As you ponder this question, take this parallel into consideration:
Jerry Sandusky is widely considered to be a monster.He molested and took advantage of the system in which he was ensconced for almost 40+ years to steal innocence and trust from children and young adults. The English Tops of the Pops host, Jimmy Savile did the exact same thing in the exact same way.
However, while Jimmy is dead, Jerry is very much alive and buried in a prison where we as a society would like to forget him.But, someone is going to have to go into that cell with Jerry to talk with him, examine him and take him apart, so that his crimes against children can never take place again and so that we can ID predators early and do what we can to stop them before they become what they will ultimately be.
And that’s the parallel.
We will have to give bullies jobs in a world of niches and the “weird” so that we can gradually, societally, say, with some confidence that “Bullying doesn’t happen here.”
Originally published on July 30, 2013.Download the FREE E-Book, The Savvy Peace Builder by heading to http://www.hsconsultingandtraining.com/e-book-the-savvy-peace-builder/ today!

[ICYMI] No

The word “no” is so compelling because it serves as both a positive and a negative.

We’ve written about this before, here and here, and it never fails to amaze us how much more there is to cover. This is because the crowning question that we asked, from clients to casual observers of our blog and social feeds is: “How do I say ‘no’?”

Saying “no” to an opportunity, a person or a situation is hard for three reasons:

  • It requires us to articulate the values that we hold dear.
  • It requires us to make judgment about those values in relation to another persons’ desires and requests.
  • It requires us to place a potential future best, above a present tangible good.

It is hard for people to say “no” (positively or otherwise) because we feel as though we are letting down other people. And being the social animals that we are, reciprocity and social norming exert a powerful pull upon our psyches, our hearts and even our souls.

The word “no” places a delineating marker between people, ideas, projects and purposes. It segregates, and closes off, even as it opens up other possibilities.  This is why rejection is such a hard thing to overcome for sales professionals, marketers and others who engage in the business of persuasion.

“No” ultimately can feel like a rejection of persuasion, rather than a statement of preference:

  • Preferring the safety of nostalgia over the danger of the new
  • Preferring the comfort of the present over the uncertainty of the next moment over
  • Preferring the status quo over a change

What are you saying “yes” to by saying “no”?

Originally published on March 19, 2015. 

Download the FREE E-Book, The Savvy Peace Builder by heading to http://www.hsconsultingandtraining.com/e-book-the-savvy-peace-builder/ today!

[ICYMI] Moving Around Deck Chairs on the Titanic

The corollary question to, “Does any of this stuff really work?” is “Does anybody really change?”

The writer and marketer Seth Godin, in his most recent audio production, Leap First, talked about how people often need to hear assurances. Assurances that everything is going to be alright in spite of organizational layoffs or familial changes, or assurances that the future (of work, life, the economy, etc.) is going to be just the same as the past, but slightly better.

He stated that the reason people need to hear assurances is that the human lizard brain turns on a jabbering, sabotaging, klaxon of alarm bells when assurances are not wrapped around threatening information. This is a defense mechanism, long developed and honed to a point that sabotages needed changes in organizations.

In relation to conflict, we see evidence of such a need in the training and teaching that we do. In the mediations that we no longer do, we used to see that clients needed assurances that there would be safety, autonomy and self-determination at the mediation table; before they even sat down to do the scary work of confronting their former partners, husbands or wives.

In the effort to educate people in how to approach conflicts, difficulties and even confrontation in better ways in their organizations, we have struggled with the practical fact of having to provides assurances to “grease the runway”—while also having to provide challenging information that will encourage audience members and clients to stretch past their comfort zones.

Comfort zones are the geographic location where the “expert” lives (whether in a person’s head or a person’s organization). The “expert” employs the whispers of the lizard brain, assuring us, even as we are stretched by new knowledge that “only minor changes need to be made,” or “that’ll never happen here, the organization is too big,” or “we’ve always done it one way. Don’t worry. That guy will be gone tomorrow and you can get back to doing what you were doing the way that you were doing it.”

The phrase “moving around deck chairs on the Titanic” indicates a person (or organization) choosing to act in a futile manner to solve a minor problem (the arrangement of the deck chairs) while a major problem (the looming iceberg) goes unaddressed.

Does anybody really change? We don’t know.

We hope (and yes, we know that “hope” is not a scalable strategy–we measure and assess outcomes as well) that every person who attends a workshop, a seminar, a corporate training, or a keynote chooses to exit their comfort zones in some small way to do the work that matters around conflict, confrontation and difficulty in their organizations.

But moving deck chairs around is the mental, emotional and spiritual activity of an organization deep in their comfort zone, being soothed with assurances, which lap upon the sides of the organizational body, even as changes loom in the distance.

Originally published on April 24, 2015.

Download the FREE E-Book, The Savvy Peace Builder by heading to http://www.hsconsultingandtraining.com/e-book-the-savvy-peace-builder/ today!

[ICYMI] Does All This Stuff Really Work?

Yes.

But it requires you to engage and be active, rather than passive.

How many people do you know that are passive participants in their own lives?

How many of them are in conflict with others?

Stuff doesn’t just “happen”(no matter what the bumper sticker may tell you) and active participation in choosing to be empathetic, to be a listener or to be positive is tough.

  • The family won’t save a person in conflict.
  • The workplace won’t save a person in conflict.
  • The school won’t save a person in conflict.
  • The church won’t save a person in conflict.
  • The society won’t save a person in conflict.

The only person who can save a person in conflict is themselves.

Originally published on November 24, 2014.

Download the FREE E-Book, The Savvy Peace Builder by heading to http://www.hsconsultingandtraining.com/e-book-the-savvy-peace-builder/ today!

 

[Podcast] Earbud_U Episode #9 – Anastasia Pryanikova

Earbud_U Episode #9 – Anastasia Pryanikova, Linguist, Coach, Entrepreneur, Writer, Transmedia Storyteller and Visionary

earbud_u-episode-9-anastasia-pryanikova

[powerpress]

Marketers tell stories and mediators hear stories. And this is just the beginning of the story.

Many folks in the field of peacemaking and peace building are trying many different things to get the attention of a world that is changing all around them.

When this works, it’s beautiful, like with our guest, Anastasia Priyanikova.

Her and her partner have developed a start-up focused on all the most interesting parts of the mediation and storytelling experience. The learning part.

And she and her partner are working with a unique collaboration of artists, writers and other creatives helping them produce their best work.

Check out Anastasia Pryanikova online at http://brainalchemist.com/ and check out her learning company start-up, Bookphoria at http://www.bookphoria.com/

She’s got a special offer for all Earbud_U listeners at the end of the interview, so stay tuned for that.

Check out all the additional ways to get in touch with her below:

Email: ana (at) brainalchemist.com
Web:  http://brainalchemist.com; http://bookphoria.com/; http://www.lawsagna.com
Twitter: https://twitter.com/lawsagna; https://twitter.com/bookphoria
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/PryanikovaAnastasia
LinkedIn:  http://www.linkedin.com/in/apryanikova
Google+: https://plus.google.com/u/0/+AnastasiaPryanikova/
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/user/SelfHelpBookMuse
Pinterest: http://pinterest.com/lawsagna/
Meetup: http://www.meetup.com/Stamford-Brain-Book-Club/

Download the Latest Episode of Earbud_U!

[ICYMI] No Parking Here

“Sign, sign, everywhere a sign. Blockin’ out the scenery, breakin’ my mind. Do this, don’t do that, can’t you read the sign?” – Five Man Electrical Band (1971)

In this week’s post “How to Autopsy a Conflict,” we here at Human Services Consulting and Training (HSCT) addressed some of the methods which our conflict consultant (and many other mediators and peace practitioners in the field) use to examine conflicts almost after the fact.
There are many ways of communicating in the world today and a conflict communication situation came to us recently and we’d like to address it here, for the benefit of our readers.
In any conflict, both parties have three options in how they can choose to communicate:
  • They can be nonassertive “What good would it do to speak up?” Or, “Whatever you decide is fine with me.”
  • They can be passive aggressive: “I’m going to spy on you and then tell on you later to a person or entity up the ladder.”
  • They can be aggressive: “I am the boss. What I say goes.”

There is an apartment complex in Binghamton, NY, somewhere around the NYSEG stadium where the Binghamton Mets play. This apartment complex has on the street parking.

Typically, a  friend of ours (for the purposes of this blog post, we’ll refer to him as C.) parks all the way up to the sign that reads this:

no-parking-to-corner

In essence, his selfish act of kindness, provides somewhere near an extra half to full space requirement for the vehicle behind his to park on what is a crowded, on-street parking, apartment living situation.

Now, one would expect such largesse to eventually be rewarded and acknowledged. And it is:
Car Note
The person who wrote this…well…let’s get a direct quote from C. about this:
“This person clearly has a f—king problem.” (We had to edit that, we’ve got kids reading over our shoulders as we write this.)
Profanity aside, the head consultant here at HSCT agrees. As a matter of fact, we would call this type of communication passive aggressive at best.
Since we are about solutions to this, we have about three for you, our dear reader, our friend C., and the note leaver, that may help alleviate issues like this in the future:
In a previous post, (click here) we addressed getting to know your neighbor.
This would be our recommended course of action in this situation. You may key a stranger’s car, but not a friend’s.
Assertive, not aggressive, communication is the key. A note, left under a windshield with a message on it, provides the first, subtle message that escalation is not only OK, but preferable and acceptable.
Intimidation, fear, closed-off-ness, and anxiety are all present in this note and lay deep in the subtext of C’s feelings as well as his verbalized response.
The antidotes for all of those are collaboration through mutual understanding, clarification of perspectives and by having a rigid goal, but being flexible in the means to get there.
Finally, if you just can’t correct the parking situation on your own, call in a third party: A good friend, the police or the conflict communication and resolution professionals at HSCT.
We’ll take care of it all, from notes to nuts.
Originally published on July 10, 2013.
Download the FREE E-Book, The Savvy Peace Builder by heading to http://www.hsconsultingandtraining.com/e-book-the-savvy-peace-builder/ today!